DEEVA PROSE: The Funny Side Of The Bed

FUNNY-B-455x600Usually, when you start your day feeling irritably angry at everyone and everything, people will ask if you woke up from the wrong side of the bed. On this day, I think I must have woken from the funny side of the bed…

I woke up this morning to do my workout after procrastinating for many weeks. I slip on my joggers and it falls down my waist. I think it must have come loose so I pull the rope and tighten it even more. I put on my Taebo DVD and begin to jab and do my round house kicks but nothing is shaking.

I take a closer look and realize nothing is really shaking because I’m all toned up and tight; I’ve dropped 35kg!

Amazing what a good night’s sleep could do!I pull out the DVD, (no use working out anymore) and switch on my cable. A Nollywood movie is playing;  in it are Aki and Pawpaw…only this time, they are both six feet tall!

I go to the kitchen to get something to eat. All the packaged foods and fruit juices are reading zero calories as nutritional information so I load up my tray as much as I can.

I decide to go shopping even though I have less than N10, 000 in my purse and no cash in my bank account. Sai! My new body needs new clothes. I enter that expensive high fashion boutique I’d been window shopping in for months (simply because I couldn’t afford anything in it) and discover every item in there is now N1.99k or less.

I pick as many clothes and accessories as I can. I’m given a gift card of N5, 000 and still have N8, 000 cash left. As I step out of the boutique, I see a big sign in front of a car shop which reads:

“Your dream car is now N5. 95 buy two and get a full tank of petrol free!!”

So I go in and pay for two of my favourite cars, dump all my shopping into one and take the car for a test drive with the car shop sales rep driving the second car behind me. I drive to the poshest part of town to show off my new babies. I see a sign which reads:

“Springfield Estates for sale, only N9. 99!”

I can’t miss this opportunity so I call up the agent. The deal is sealed and I become the new owner. “Can life get any better?” I muse. I waste no time in moving into my new property.

The old occupants had left a lot of clutter so I settle quickly to giving my home a thorough cleaning. I find a big bottle with a strange looking liquid in it. I open it and it gives off a strong smell. I can’t make anything of it, but I have a hunch this strange liquid might be very useful, so I take it for testing at the lab.

Eureka! The cure for cancer has been found! Just a drop of the liquid is capable of curing any type of cancer no matter the stage. It could also be used as a vaccine to prevent cancer. I am so exhilarated; I don’t claim any money for my discovery. I see it as my service to mankind.

People from all over the world are thronging to Nigeria to get a shot, making the Nigerian Visa the most sought after visa on earth. I go back to thoroughly search my pile of trash. Who knows, a permanent cure for other deadly diseases might just be lying there.

My life is so happy; I celebrate by throwing a big party. Some of my party friends arrive: Miley Cyrus, Cabo Snoop, D-banj, Rihanna, Don Jazzy, Dr. Sid, Davido, P. Diddy, Wizkid, Nicki Minaj, Akon, Kcee, Mr. Ibu, Oluwa Snoop Doggy-Lion Dogg, P-Square, Tuface and Annie.

Ellen Degeneres is the life and soul of the party as she takes to the dance floor prancing to Cabo Snoop’s ‘Windhek’. The music is so good, Miley Cyrus’ tongue drops down to her knees as she twerks crazily, grinding her butt on Tuface and winking at him.

One hot Calabar slap from Annie shrinks Miley’s tongue back in. Annie gives her a warning:

“Even with two baby mamas, I won his heart and became his African Queen. This ain’t Robin Thicke, leave my Tubaba for me!”

Miley’s oyibo-pepper face is turning a hot red from the slap, she runs to my freezer to get an ice pack.

Mr. Ibu corners Nicki Minaj and delivers the most classic pick-up line ever:

“I dey see this your breasts well-well for Instagram…e get NAFDAC number?…because me, I nor want any expired something-ooo!”

Wouldn’t it be great to always wake from the funny side of the bed?

 

Article Written By: Peace Ben Williams.

No part of this article should be copied or published without the permission of the author.

The Funny Side of the Bed ©2014

©Peace Ben Williams Blog. All rights reserved.

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