It’s the ‘bush’ that grows on our ‘secret garden.’ Not explicit enough? Okay it’s the hair on our Vjayjays…the pubic hair.
As a girl who was born in the seventies, I’ll gladly take you on the grooming techniques of the female nether region over the decades…at least from the African point of view. Zero down on the map to my exact location and I’ll tell you how people saw vaginal grooming back then, in the southern eastern parts of Nigeria.
Men who were born two or three generations before me would look at today’s woman as if she were crazy if she had undressed before them and they found her to be smoothly shaven. In fact, if both of you were in the bedroom ready to get down, his eggplant would go limp; and he’ll be instantly turned off. Perhaps he’d suggest that you guys cool things down a bit until your pubic hairs grow back.
Sounds hard to believe? I’ll tell you a personal encounter with a certain ‘uncle’ of mine.
You know those middle aged male family friends that are so close, you end up calling them ‘uncle’ even though they are not in any way related to you by blood? Yeah, I had me plenty of those. But this one I’d like to call Uncle P, was as naughty as they come.
He was in his mid-fifties when I was about nineteen; a medical professor with an amazing sense of humour. He was also a respectable man who knew his boundaries but will sometimes not hesitate to tweak you up a bit to see if you were one of those ‘nieces’ who wouldn’t mind sitting on ‘uncle’s’ lap to play ‘one kind’ play.
Uncle P was Head of the Anatomy Department in my University and I needed him to help with my admission waka. That meant I had to show up at his office quite often. One day, I had an interesting encounter with him that made me learn more about one man’s meat being another’s poison.
That day, I met him at the anatomy lab. He was examining three human vaginas pickled in a jar. They once belonged to three women he said…women who didn’t pay enough attention to their health and so contracted various STDs and ended up dead. Then the conversation drifted and he asked me with a curious grin if I was like one of those stupid girls who had indiscriminate and unprotected sex. I stuttered uncomfortably as I gave him my answer, something about having only one boyfriend and avoiding sex as much as I could. He laughed out loud at my obvious embarrassment and said sex was meant to be something that gave great pleasure. It wasn’t anything to be embarrassed about and certainly not something you’d be stupid enough to die from. Surely if I had let him teach me how the experts do it, I’d not be wearing that silly embarrassed expression I had on my face now, he sniggered.
“Hmmm…Uncle, please I did not come for that one,” I reminded him with a sulk.
“Er…I know you didn’t come for that, but when you enter my office with all that fresh and succulent body, do you expect me not to get all heated up?”
“Oya now, come and sit on my lap.” He said with a sexy wink.
“There we go again!” I thought as I rolled my eyes.
Uncle P was a very handsome and kind-hearted man. The silver streaks on his beards gave him a uniquely weird sexy look, but there was no way on God’s green earth I was going to bed with him. His wife called me ‘daughter’ and cooked for me whenever I visited their home. I always looked at her with love and respect and would want it to remain that way.
Before my eyes could return to its proper angle, Uncle P’s hand was on my crotch in a flash second.
“Ah…you have a full bush!” He exclaimed his eyes glazed with delight like a kid in a candy store. “Your mother taught you well,” he gushed. “I would have given anything just to see it, but you this girl, you’re too stiff and stubborn,” he said.
As I gave him the polite side eye, I remember how my mother would scream each time I shaved down there. She’d tell me how silly we girls of nowadays are and how the girls in her time would have given an arm and a leg just to have the type of thick dark bush I was shaving and throwing away. Hahahahaha!!! Now looking at Uncle P go gaga at the imagination of a Sambisa-like pubic region, I kind of understood what she meant.
Back then in the region I grew up, there was a craze for females with thick hairy legs, hairy arms and practically a hairy body. Most ladies didn’t see the need to have smooth shaven legs and at most pubic hairs were given a low trim if it felt uncomfortable.
These days however, modern couples are big on oral sex…fellatio, cunnilingus, the whole works. So the ladies would like a clean shaven region to blow on, while the guys would certainly love even more, a clean shaven kitty to go down on.The more you can keep yourself fuzz-free as a lady, the more you silently echo your sophistication and class. But there are still some exceptions. I remember Kim Cattrall’s character in ‘Sex and the City’ bemoaning her ill-fate of meeting a hot younger guy who loved “the full bush.” Problem was, she was approaching middle age and beginning to sprout some greys down there which of course she didn’t want him to see.
So if your partner likes a neatly mowed lawn, you’re in luck because you get to relax and totally enjoy him giving you a head without bothering whether the greys are sprouting or if the hairs are spiky and piercing his lips or if sweat got trapped in there and it’s giving out a smell.
And if you’re a lady of a certain age with the type of bae that Samantha Jones had…who’s a fan of the full bush, erm…how do you handle the ‘challenges’?
And there seems to be another problem. What’s the best way of shaving down there? Yes I know waxing is the best option, but what happens when you can’t regularly keep an appointment to get it professionally done? Some ladies are sensitive to shaving sticks. As much as I am #TeamShave, I hate those bumps and dark patches even more. Then you’ll need to get steroids and topical creams to clear the damage. And correct me if I’m wrong, most hair removing creams I find on the counter instructs that you never apply it on your intimate area.
So how can a lady constantly maintain a smooth, clean and bump-free pubic region? We really need grooming experts to weigh in on this.
Ladies, with experience…biko helep us the learners na? Drop all those wonderful tips in-house here in the comment box below…not on Facebook or Twitter…here please…so others can benefit. You can’t imagine how many ladies are dying to learn.
Although my naughty uncle died some years ago, I still remember those three vaginas he held pickled in a jar and the story behind the women who owned them. I remember what he said about not making stupid choices with my vagina.
You only get to have one vagina in your lifetime so treat it like gold.