If you’ve not been following this story, kindly scroll to the bottom to catch up so you can fully appreciate this deevanalysis.
Ordinarily, I wouldn’t have wanted to analyse this saga. The reason like I always give is this: as an outsider, one can never get the true picture of what goes on inside a marriage except three persons: God, the husband and the wife.
Therefore, I shall attempt to balance my deevanalysis as much as possible BASED on the accounts narrated by Fred Duyile and Bukola Oduwaiye.
Another reason is, I wouldn’t want my motive to be misconstrued. Most people love to dissect, talk and laugh about people’s misfortunes; forgetting that these people are flesh and blood just like us. They feel pain. They cry themselves to sleep. They feel bad about their lives playing out in the public eye. The least they expect from us is our prayers and encouragement. That is why I refused to publish photos of their four kids like other blogs did.
I’m very passionate about marriages and to see it succeed. It is the oldest institution on earth. If set up on the foundation of unconditional love, you can imagine how destabilized the kingdom of Satan would be. It would mean a balanced family, living a balanced life to God’s glory.
So with all my heart, and with all pure motive, I’d like to point out what I feel went wrong between Fred and Bukola, hoping that our single brothers and sisters learn from their poor choices and avoid such mistakes in the future.
1. She moved in with him before marriage. This is very wrong. Not only from a religious point of view but from experience. She should have waited until all the marriage rites were completed before moving in with Fred. Most times, men take this gesture for granted. In a woman’s head, she’s excited to start experimenting on her wifely duties. But in a man’s head, you’ve encroached on his space and sometimes may freak out on committing to union. Also, he will stop seeing you as his ‘babe’ way too soon and see you as ‘that woman’ he comes back home to at the end of the day.
2. Somehow, her moving in with Fred before marriage was a blessing in disguise, because God was trying to show Bukola what she’ll be in for in the long haul. She did say she noticed, but didn’t take action because she was in love. Sisters, never marry a guy who stay out late and comes home almost everyday by 3:30am. Such men have a drinking problem, they are most times violent and mark my words, they are never ‘family men’. By this I mean they’ll never appreciate what it means to enjoy family life like settling down to home cooking, taking the kids to a recreational park or games arcade or doing those things that men who are into their wives and kids do. Their way of having fun is hanging out with their fellow drinking buddies at the pubs, talking boisterously and sauntering home just before the break of dawn. Then you’re saddled with making that thick black mug of hot coffee to cure his hangover and dare you complain about his lifestyle, you’ll get the beating of your life.
3. An adult man never changes. Only on rare occasions does God step in like he met Saint Paul on the road to Damascus and that is 0.1 out of ten times. Bukola said that her church members insisted she had to make the marriage work by praying and fasting for Fred to change. 17 years after, what changed? Sisters, do not settle for damaged goods and then hope to God for a miracle. Inspect your choice. Scrutinize your choice, even put your choice to the test. It is allowed. “Till death do us part” is no joke. Shouldn’t you then be cautious?
4. This mistake is not really from Bukola but has to do with her mother. Why do African parents do this all the time? Why will you see your daughter suffering in an abusive marriage and the risk of her being dead, yet you insist that she must stay there? No matter, the reason…whether it is poverty or fear of stigmatization, you must NEVER encourage your daughter to remain in an abusive relationship. On the flip side, once the man realises that his wife’s family will still encourage her to remain with him no matter what, he’ll become a more terrible monster to her because he is more or less above the law.
5. From her narration, Fred had terrible fights with his brother Kenny and Kenny took them out on her. Fred’s mother…her mother inlaw is fetish. She used her grandchildren for money rituals and curses her daughter inlaws thorough celestial incantations in the dead of the night. Based on what she said, it is clear that she married into a very dysfunctional and fetish family. What I didn’t get was which younger brother gifted Fred with a house and a car. Was it the same Kenny now fighting him?
So I wonder what she was thinking when she decided to have an affair with her husband’s friend, Mayowa Agbelusiman? Surely, such a family would never have spared her. Her mother inlaw especially would have seen to it that her life, reputation and everything she worked so hard to build would be completely destroyed before leaving her alone. That is if Mama didn’t consider invoking a spirit of madness on her.
I get the fact that she didn’t have a good marriage, her husband wasn’t there for her and she felt she had nothing to lose by making that choice. Mind you, I’m not judging Bukola and never will. It’s obvious she had no real support from her own family. I just wished she had respectfully disengaged from Fred and his family if she felt she didn’t want the marriage anymore. We all know that Africans don’t take lightly to the scandal of a wife’s infidelity, not to mention if the illicit affair yielded a child. Everyone will come out bearing machetes and spears to kill her. But if it’s the man, he’ll be hailed as a ‘correct man.’
Even us the womenfolk will shame our fellow woman even more than the menfolk. Seeing that our African traditions are extremely discriminatory towards the women, I always advise to respectfully disengage from your marriage if necessary before getting into another relationship. Bukola’s choice was poor. She may have suffered so much pain and life-threatening abuse from her marriage to Fred. But with the affair and the baby, she gave Fred and his family a good leverage to destroy her. It’s like giving a dog a bad name to kill it.
6. This mistake which Bukola herself admitted was the greatest mistake of her life was letting Fred back into her life after escaping to Ireland to seek asylum. A typical Yoruba man would be nursing serious vendetta against her. She had an affair with his good friend, got pregnant as a result. Then took Fred’s 2 biological sons plus her lovechild and fled to Ireland. And she expected Fred to be all chummy and lovey-dovey with her in Ireland? The same Fred who used to panel beat her if she didn’t open the gate on time or if she scratched any of his cars? He exacted his vendetta and what’s more half the world (except me) believes she’s mad and are urging her to seek psychiatric help.
7. Which brings me to the last mistake I’ll be talking about. I’ve said this so many times. Ladies, no matter what, sheath your anger. I know it’s hard, but consider it a skill to learn like you learnt how to cook, keep home and nurse your babies. It will save your life. I’ve elaborated on this before in an article I wrote titled, “#HousewivesVent: Dear Wives Of Cheating Husbands, This Is For You…[PART THREE]”. Please read it to understand better.
“I was raised to keep family matters private but my silence, confidentiality, and love of family has been my greatest undoing…I have nothing at stake anymore, my own story wouldn’t be told from the grave, I will tell it now and if anything happens to me thereafter, then the whole world will know who is responsible.”
Every African woman was brought up like that. We are mentally conditioned to cover up our husbands’ ‘weaknesses’ or more accurately put, his flaws. We are seen as bad wives if we dare hint that all isn’t well in our marriage. And we can be labelled as “mad” if we do a full exposure. You can see she opened her story with that skepticism…meaning she’s not mad like her husband wants to make us believe.
That is why she shouldn’t have burnt her Irish and Nigerian passports or made a Facebook video ranting about Fred and burning court papers in front of the camera. Women with experience will see it as rage. But the world will see it as madness. Don’t give the world an opportunity to judge you, especially when they don’t know you. There are better ways to protest. Burning passports to me achieves nothing but even convinces the Irish courts more strongly that she is mad.
I’m finding it it difficult to number Fred’s mistakes because I could just end my analysis of him by saying he is who he is at the risk of sounding biased but it is true.
1. He wasn’t prepared for marriage. First he had a problem with keeping late nights, and he couldn’t even afford a place to stay or a car to drive while dating Bukola. How did he expect to start a family? Maybe he felt Bukola as his girlfriend was pressurizing him to make a commitment even when he wasn’t mentally and financially ready for it. But he gives in because he loves her and wanted to please her. His brother helps out at first. Then when the children were born, he realised he may never cope living on handouts and so he went into fraud business, aka 419.
2. Delving into 419 and succeeding is never easy. Mugus (scam victims) don’t fall easily. Most scammers resort to juju to hypnotise victims. Here, Fred must have contracted his mother who was more than happy to pitch in with her celestial incantations. Then the money starts rolling in and maybe Mama sees that Bukola is enjoying all the dividends more than she who did all the spiritual groundwork to make it possible. The truth is while Mama is up in the middle of the night ‘working’ her a$$ off for Fred to succeed, Bukola was probably sleeping or banging her hubby. Kenny also needs a piece of the action…a large piece for that matter because after all, he was there for his elder brother when he had nothing. If Fred didn’t give his family what they expected, naturally Bukola was to be blamed. So guys, check for excessive extended family involvement in your marriage. Most times, it does more harm than good.
3. Scam never pays. Karma is a bitch. Fred scammed people, probably pensioners…of their life’s savings. Probably innocent widows, who knows? He got caught and was thrown in jail. By the time he returned, someone else had taken over his wife and left him an everlasting souvenir to remember it by. And now, everything he worked so hard to build especially his marriage is having issues.
We are all human. We make mistakes. We learn. Bukola and Fred were in love with each other at some point in their lives, no doubt about that. The union brought forth four adorable children.
When children are involved, a man and his wife must learn to sheath their swords so they don’t mistakenly pierce one of the innocent children with their blade.
Their lives have come under the public eye and many have dropped ignorant comments. I pray that my involvement through this deevanalysis will open a divine light to heal all that was dark and evil in their union for the sake of the children.
Please no more social media videos, no more public rants or statements. It doesn’t help. After a few months, nobody will remember it as a scandal anymore.
To Bukola and Fred, please open your hearts to God to guide your decisions from now on with wisdom. Your case is not the worst. I believe God wants to see even a flicker of selflessness in both of you to restore peace.
Stay blessed and I wish you both well in the lives that you live.
P/S: Sorry for the late deevanalysis. I was down with malaria/upper respiratory infection.