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The REAL Reason You're Still Not Married

Are all your friends hitched but you still don’t have a ring on your finger?

In her new book, US writer Tracy McMillan has a few amusing theories – and it’s nothing to do with a lack of decent men!


If you’re single, chances are you think a lot about you.

You think about your thighs, your outfits, your career.

Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy would solve all your problems.

Selfishness is when you approach men in terms of yourself – how they make you feel, how they make you look, what they’ll bring to your life and what they won’t.

Selfishness makes people act like children, who want what they want, when they want it.

This is why being selfish makes partnership impossible. Because you can’t partner a child, you can only take care of one.

Pretty much all men have encountered a selfish woman at least once and got burnt.

They’re wary of marrying such a woman, not only because selfish people are almost impossible to make happy, but also because a selfish person makes a bad parent.

A selfish girl can usually find a guy, but he won’t want to pull a trigger on the relationship.


Most men want to marry someone who is nice to them.

Nice includes sex, laughing and occasionally folding the laundry or doing something else he’s too lazy to do for himself – just because you love him. Is this you?

If my asking this makes you mad, the answer is probably no.

Being a bitch is about feeling superior to men, rolling your eyes without knowing and having a lot of tension around the mouth.

So if you’re a bitch and you want to marry someone, you’re going to have to be different.

A girl can be hot, sexy, powerful, smart and interesting, but if she’s not sweet, most (not all) guys will not want to marry her.

He might want the sex, dig your sharp wit and respect your job, but unless you add sweetness to the mix, those are just exciting destinations.

Like, say Reykjavik. It might be fun to visit, but the climate is too fierce to really want to live there.

Being nice is not demeaning. It’s what makes the world go around. And it’s what makes a marriage work.


Self-hatred is stealthy. It doesn’t come out in a long, sparkly gown and sing a song about how much you don’t like yourself.

It glides through your mind, camouflaged like a genius frog.

Self-hatred is the part that is telling you that your life will never work, you’ll never be happy, that everyone else got the life manual so they know what’s going on – and by the way, you’re fat.

Self-hatred is a destroyer, a big N O to everything you want.

Just look at the behaviour of the men who’ve populated your life over the years.

Is there a pattern? Maybe they’ve always been critical or controlling or unfaithful.

That’s how you believe you should be treated.

As long as your self-hating ego is running the show, you will be subject to mean messages about who you are.


Crazy is about being out of control emotionally, stoking lots of drama, being needy, easily hurt, jealous and other psychological states that men are not looking for in the mother of their kids.

It also includes eating disorders, crying after sex and anything you can picture Courtney Love doing.

Guys see craziness as a sign of dependency and that scares them. Think of dependency as a person leaning against a table.

If the table moves, you fall over. No healthy guy really wants you to be that dependent on him. It makes a man feel turned off and weird.

The only guys who are going to desire a long-term partnership with a woman who makes them feel like that are the ones with the mums who are bananas.

And, God bless ’em, they have enough to deal with already.


I know “slut” is a provocative word, and I don’t mean that being promiscuous is a bad thing per se.

But having sex with men you are not committed to or who are not committed to you, can be problematic when it comes to getting married.

By casual sex I mean sex outside a committed relationship.

And as I am fond of saying, casual sex is like recreational heroin – it doesn’t stay recreational for long.

Good sex can be habit-forming. And because of that, it will get in the way of you forming any kind of relationship that might lead to marriage.

You’d think we’d know this by now, but the majority of men can happily shag strangers and buddies alike while keeping those relationships right where they want them – over there and on simmer.

If a guy you’re having sex with regularly doesn’t tell you he is falling for you in the first month or two, you can pretty much assume he isn’t.

And if you’re still wondering – because we ladies do like to hope – if you have to ask if you’re in a relationship with a guy, then you aren’t.


Being a mess is about having issues.

If you’ve got something going on that you wouldn’t let the man of your dreams see, you can be pretty sure it’s at least partially contributing to your singleness.

Maybe you drink a whole bottle of wine every night, or eat too much, or are up to your three-figure sunglasses in credit card debt.

It’s not that you have to be perfect. But some things are more deal-breaking than others.

The occasional blackjack weekend might not do it, but the occasional shoplifting spree will.

Chances are, you already know what it is that you’ve got going on that is standing in the way of forming any long-term relationship.

Let go of it. It might hurt, but it will only be temporary. Staying the same will hurt forever.



About Peace

Peace is a wife and mother who reports and analyses global trends from the perspective of a Deeva; in the hope of invoking a thought process that will lead to a positive change.

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